12 Questions to Ask Your Partner About Money Before You Get Married
We all know that money can become one of the biggest issues in a marriage and a leading cause of divorce - in fact 38% of respondents in a Forbes study cited financial problems as their reason for divorce. That’s why we want you to talk about money now, before you walk down the aisle.
Despite the calls for wage transparency and eruption of personal finance influencers on TikTok, money is still a taboo topic in our society. It just isn’t something most of us feel comfortable talking about over brunch with friends or around the dinner table.
But being able to talk to your partner about money - openly and often - is so important. If you don’t know where to start or if money makes you uncomfortable, you’re not alone. That’s where having a premarital coach to guide you through the conversation can really help.
Below we’re sharing 12 questions to ask your partner about money before you get married so you can get on the same page and tackle money issues before they come up!
1) What is your current financial situation?
It’s hard to be vulnerable and open up about money, especially if you’ve never done so before or have some money skeletons in your closet. But remember, this is a no judgment zone.
You’re not here to judge your partner’s financial past. You’re here to get on the same page for your financial future.
Before you talk about how you want to manage money when you’re married, you need to understand your current financial situations. Open up to each other and share your:
Debt
Income
Savings
Investments
Spending
Even if you don’t plan to combine your finances (more on that in a moment), it’s still important to know where you’re both at financially. Your financial decisions impact one another so take the time to look into all of your numbers and share them openly.
2) Do we want to have separate accounts, a joint account or both?
When it comes to combining money with a partner, there are three options: two completely separate accounts, one shared joint account, or a combination of joint and separate accounts.
There’s no one right way to combine your finances, just the way that works best for you two.
Talk through the pros and cons of each option. What would it look like to have joint or separate accounts? What are your concerns? What would the logistics be to set up these accounts? If you’re getting a prenup, how does that affect your joint and separate accounts?
If you’re leaning towards having both joint and separate accounts, talk about what type of spending would fall into which account. Does grabbing Starbucks on the way to work count as a joint “eating out” expense or is that personal? What if your spouse surprises you with a coffee?
Even if you’ve already combined finances before marriage, it’s a good idea to revisit this topic and see if either of you wants to change how you’re currently managing your money. One of you may assume things will be different once you’re married while the other may not.
3) How will we divide household expenses?
Even if you decide to keep completely separate bank accounts, you’ll still have shared financial expenses and need to figure out how you want to divide them. Again, there’s no one right way to do this, just the way that feels right for your partnership.
Some couples decide to split expenses 50/50 and others choose to split bills proportionately to their incomes. For example, if Partner A makes two times what Partner B makes, they’ll pay for two times the expenses. You may also want to factor in other things besides income to your proportionate split, like debt payments.
How will the way you split bills change as your income and household changes? For example, if one partner gets a promotion or stays home with the kids, how will that change how you split the bills?
Besides paying the bills, you should also discuss who is responsible for them. Who will make payments and track spending? Who will file taxes? Who will compare options when you have to make a big purchase? If you want to share these responsibilities, what does that look like?
4) What will we do if someone stops making money? What will we do if someone starts making way more money?
There’s a good chance your money situation will change throughout your married life. And while you don’t have a crystal ball that will tell you exactly what is going to happen, it’s good to talk through a few different situations.
If one or both of you stop making money or your income is considerably reduced - perhaps due to a medical leave, getting laid off, needing to go back to school or taking time off to be with the kids - how will that change your household finances? Will you have an emergency fund and how long will that cover you? Will you cut back, downsize, move, etc.?
On the other end of the spectrum, how will your household finances change if one or both of you starts making a lot more money? Will you upgrade your lifestyle and what will that look like? Will the lesser-earner leave the workforce? Would you be willing to make any sacrifices to achieve this income boost, such as moving to a new city for the job?
5) Are you more of a saver or a spender?
You may have a gut response and already know if your partner is a saver or a spender. But this question goes beyond labels. What does it actually mean to be a saver or a spender and how will that play out in your relationship?
We find the best way to answer that question is with some hypothetical situations. Try asking each other:
If we moved into a new place, would you want to buy all new furniture?
If you got an extra $100 what would you do with it? Extra $1,000? Extra $10,000?
If your favourite band is coming to town, what is your plan to buy tickets?
Once you have a general sense of your tendencies to save or spend and what that actually looks like, it’s a good idea to discuss boundaries, especially for your joint account spending. For example, some couples set a spending limit, like anything over $50 needs to be discussed before purchasing.
What purchases do you need to talk about in advance? How much do you want to spend on categories like groceries and clothing? How will you know you’re on track? What happens if you’re over or under budget?
6) How will we know we’re doing well financially?
We’re told we always need to save more, earn more and spend less. And while that’s generally good advice, it’s no fun to live a life of scarcity where you’re always picking the cheapest item on the menu or not eating out at all - especially if you can afford not to.
So instead, focus on abundance: How will you and your partner know you’re doing well financially? Is there a certain financial goal you’re trying to achieve? And if you do achieve it, how will that change your spending and saving habits?
7) How do you feel about debt?
Of course, most people feel bad about debt. In a perfect world, you wouldn’t have any! But if you do have debt or might take some debt on in the future, it’s important to talk about it. Many people have a complicated relationship with debt based on how they were raised to view it.
Start with the past: How was debt talked about in your family? Have you or your family ever had debt before? What kind of debt, how did you feel about it and how did you/your family pay it off?
Then move into the present: Do you have any debt right now? What kind of debt and how much? How are you paying it off? How does it make you feel to have this debt?
Finally, look to the future: What kind of debt do you foresee taking on in the future? What amount of debt would feel acceptable to you? How would you plan to pay it off? How would you approach mortgage debt vs student loan debt vs credit card debt?
8) How do you feel about loans or gifts?
Just like debt, people can have complicated feelings about monetary loans or gifts. Unlike winning the lottery or finding $100 on the ground, loans and gifts can come with strings attached. Your parents might be happy to pay for your daughter’s private school tuition but only if you come to Friday night dinners (just ask Lorelai Gilmore!).
How do you feel about financial loans or gifts? Would you ever accept one and, if so, from whom? Who would you not want to accept a loan or gift from? What amount of money would be too much to accept?
On the other side of the coin, would you ever loan or give money to someone? Who would you feel comfortable loaning or giving money to? What is the maximum you would give? What happens if they don’t repay the loan?
9) What major purchases do you foresee us making in the next 5-10 years?
As an almost-married couple, you might have some big expenses ahead of you. You may be planning to buy a home, go on a big honeymoon, pay for childcare, renovate your house, go back to school, etc.
And that’s not to mention the unexpected big ticket items that might pop up, like needing to buy a new car if yours suddenly breaks down.
Talk with your partner about what purchases you foresee coming up in the next 5-10 years. Are you on the same page about what you’d like to buy? Or does one partner want to stay in their mom’s basement for free while the other wants to put a down payment on a townhouse?
Once you have an idea of what you’ll be purchasing, discuss how you plan to pay for those things. Will you save or invest money? Get a loan? Receive a gift? Work a second job?
10) What are our plans for retirement?
We’ve all been told we need to save for retirement, but “retirement” can feel kind of nebulous. What does retirement actually look like for you and your partner?
What do you want to do in retirement? Maybe you have big plans to sell your house and travel the world or maybe you’ll stay where you are and babysit grandchildren. When do you want to retire? What happens if one of you is planning to retire many years before the other?
How will you afford retirement? What savings, pensions or investments will you be using? What happens if you need more money in retirement? What happens if you can afford to retire early?
11) What goals do we have for our money together?
Even with the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with, it can be hard to open up and honestly share your financial situation. But the key is to think of money not as this scary thing you’ll never have enough of but as a tool to help you achieve your goals together.
Money becomes a lot less scary when you have a joint money vision. Instead of saving money because you think you’re supposed to or because you feel guilty, your money now has a purpose.
What dreams do you want to achieve and how will money help you get there? Besides retirement, what else are you saving up for? Maybe it’s a bucket list trip, a huge vow renewal party, hiring a weekly cleaner or chef, getting season’s tickets for your favourite sports team or buying a whole new wardrobe.
We often talk about money in terms of scarcity but it’s a lot more motivating - and more fun - to think of what you’d do with a lot of money, even if that day feels far away. Use this time to dream and come up with a joint vision for your money together.
12) When can we talk about this again?
The most important thing to remember when talking about money with your fiance(e) is that this isn’t a one-time conversation. Your financial life will change throughout your marriage and it’s important to regularly check in with each other.
Make a plan with your partner to keep talking about money. One option is to schedule monthly or quarterly money meetings with each other. That way, you both know when the money talk is coming and it’s not one partner’s responsibility to always bring it up to the other.
At these meetings you can go over your numbers and see how you’re progressing towards any goals. Are you still happy with the way you’re doing things? What’s working? What’s not working and needs to change?
Over time, these regular money conversations will become easier. In fact, you may even find yourself looking forward to pulling up the monthly spreadsheet and updating your numbers!
Wrapping up: Why it’s important to talk to your partner about money before you get married
It’s not easy to talk about money. Money is a taboo topic and many people have feelings of guilt, resentment or embarrassment towards their finances.
It’s easy to see how a topic that’s so important but not easy to talk about can create problems and strain a relationship. We all know married couples who fight about money, who keep money secrets from each other or who pretend like their financial situation is different than what it is.
That’s why it’s so important to talk to your partner about money before you get married. It’s a lot easier to talk about your finances before you’ve combined your assets and before you let years of debt, secret spending or resentment build up.
Now is the time to get on the same page and set your marriage up for financial transparency and success. That’s where premarital coaching comes in.
A coach can be a neutral third party to help you talk through your complex feelings around money. They can guide you through the conversations you need to have and help you find solutions before money problems even occur.
Invest in your relationship, spend time working through solutions and save your marriage from future money issues. Get started with our premarital coaching today!