11 Questions to Ask Your Partner About Kids Before You Get Married
Have you and your partner talked about having kids? And no, we don’t mean just asking the third date question of “do you want kids?” and then never bringing it up again. There’s more to the kid conversation than that!
We’d bet most engaged couples have an idea of whether or not they plan to have children and maybe even when they want to have them. But not many take the time to get on the same page and ask the hard questions like, what will we do if we can’t conceive naturally? Or who will take time off work if we need extra childcare?
It’s important to talk about these things before you start trying to have kids. It’s a lot easier to have discussions before you’re two years into fertility treatments, on a bunch of daycare waitlists or dealing with your mother-in-law’s opinions on bedtime.
That’s why we recommend discussing children more in-depth before you get married. This is one of the topics we cover in our premarital coaching, where a qualified coach will guide you through the tough topics and help you find solutions.
Below are 11 questions to ask your partner about kids before you get married, plus some discussion points and follow up questions to help you and your partner learn more about your family plans.
1) Do you want to have kids?
Yes, this is a basic question that you and your partner have likely already asked each other. But it’s good to start with the basics and make sure you’re on the same page.
What will you do if one of you says yes and one says no? What if one of you is unsure? What if one of you changes your mind?
PS: The rest of these questions will assume one or both of you wants to have kids.
2) How many kids do you want to have and when?
Now that you know you want to have kids, let’s dig into the specifics. How many do you want to have and when do you want to have them?
If one of you wants four kids back to back and the other wants to wait five years and then have just one kid, how will you get on the same page? Are you open to compromising or adjusting your plan?
You’ll also want to discuss how your desired number of kids and planned timeline will affect other areas of your life, like your careers, housing and finances.
3) What experience do you have with kids?
It’s nice to know where people are coming from. Did your partner grow up babysitting or in a large family? Do they spend a lot of time with their friend’s kids? Or perhaps they see kids every day at work as a teacher.
Of course, babysitting experience (or lack thereof) doesn’t have to change your family plans. You can still want kids and be an amazing parent even if you don’t have any prior experience.
This question simply helps you and your partner better understand each other’s histories and experiences. For example, someone who grew up in a large family may want to recreate that with lots of kids of their own or may prefer the quiet they always craved with just one kid.
4) Who is taking care of the kids?
Hopefully both you and your partner are taking care of your children and splitting responsibilities fairly (including the mental load!). But who is physically going to take care of them in their early years before school starts?
Is there an expectation that one of you will stay home with the kids? Will someone need to pause their career? If so, is that a permanent career break or when will they return to their job?
If neither of you are planning to take time off work, who will be providing childcare? Are you paying someone, like a nanny or daycare, or do you have family who can help?
If homeschooling is something you’re considering, you’ll also want to talk about who would be responsible for that and how it would work around your careers.
5) Will we be raising our children with certain religious or cultural values?
Sometimes one or both partners have strong feelings about how religion or culture will play a part in raising their children. Even if you don’t think you or your partner are particularly religious or tied to your culture, you may be surprised to see how that side comes out when it comes to your future children.
If your religious or cultural ideas clash, how will you rectify them? Will you raise your children under multiple religions/cultures or none? Which will take precedence?
We encourage you to dig deeper into this topic than simply saying, “We’ll raise them Buddhist,” or “We’ll raise them with their French heritage.” What does that look like? Are they attending religious services? Are there prayers or rituals they’ll take part in each day? Are you speaking a different language at home or travelling abroad often to be with family?
6) What last name will our children have?
Perhaps you and your fiance(e) have already talked about changing your last names after marriage. You may be choosing to both share one partner’s last name, combine or hyphenate both last names, or stick with your current last names.
But how will you make that decision with your children’s names? (In our effort to take down the patriarchy, we’ll remind you that it shouldn’t be an automatic given that the kids get dad’s last name in a hetero marriage!)
In addition to last names, are there any other cultural or family names you want to give your children? For example, if your partner is expecting you to name your child Benedict IV after all the Benedicts in their family, how does that sit with you?
7) If we can’t conceive naturally, how do you feel about adoption, surrogacy, IVF, sperm donors, etc?
A lot of emotions can come up when starting a family isn’t as easy as you had hoped. That’s why we recommend having these conversations before you’re in the thick of it, knowing that you can always change your mind about what you want to do.
If you can’t conceive naturally, what other options are you open to? How long will you try naturally before pursuing other methods? Would you be okay with not having kids or would you want to pursue it no matter the cost/time/effort?
Of course, if you’re in a partnership where natural conception isn’t an option, you’ll have to talk about your plans for starting a family. These conversations can get complicated when only one partner is planning or able to donate eggs/sperm or carry the pregnancy.
This may also be a good time to talk about testing during pregnancy. Do you want to do genetic testing? And what will you do if you get an abnormal result?
8) What parts of your own childhood would you want to incorporate into our child’s life? What parts would you want to leave behind?
This is a great opportunity for you and your fiance(e) to reflect on your own childhoods and how you were parented. You can encourage each other to make an active choice to bring the good things you were taught and leave behind anything you don’t want to pass onto your kids.
It can be really illuminating to learn how your partner was raised. Even couples who come from similar backgrounds can have very different upbringings.
You may assume the way it was done in your house is the “right” way or the only way, but find out your partner has a very different perspective.
9) How do you think our life will change with kids?
It’s easy to only think about the fun part of having kids - cute baby clothes and watching their baseball games - but what about the less fun parts? Take some time to talk about the reality of what life with kids will look like.
For example, if you currently go out to dinner a few times a week or meet up with friends, will that routine change with kids? If you live in a two bedroom condo, will you have to move if you have kids? Will you need a new car or have to change your work schedule?
Dig deeper: What sacrifices are you willing to make to your current life? What are your non-negotiables? How will you continue to make time for your relationship and solo time for yourselves when kids are in the picture?
10) How do you envision co-parenting?
Sometimes one partner has an expectation of what their parenting role will be and that expectation doesn’t line up with what the other partner is thinking. What will it look like for you and your partner to parent together?
Who is going to be responsible for what aspects of parenting? How will you split your parenting duties? How will you handle any differences in your parenting styles?
While you may not have a specific parenting style you plan to subscribe to, you and your partner may have thoughts on issues like technology, discipline and schooling that you can discuss ahead of time.
11) What part of having children together are you most excited about?
Many of the questions above bring up tough topics and may not be the easiest conversations to have. We like the idea of ending this discussion with a fun question that reminds you both that you’re planning for your future together.
A question like this also helps you create a vision that you’re working towards. When you’re having a hard time in your marriage or on your journey to starting a family, it can be helpful to come back to your answers to this question.
Get specific! Is there a moment you can’t wait to experience, like seeing your partner hold your child for the first time? Maybe it’s reading your favourite childhood book to them, taking your first family vacation together or bringing your kid to meet Santa.
Wrapping up: Why it’s important to talk to your partner about kids before you get married
Even though we’re talking about kids, it’s not all fun and games! As you can see from our list above, there are a lot of big topics to discuss with your fiance(e).
We encourage you to have these conversations before you get married and before you’re in the thick of trying to start or grow your family. Give yourselves lots of space and time to have discussions and work together to get on the same page.
It can be very helpful to have a coach to guide you through these conversations. A coach can be an impartial third party to help you find solutions, avoid conflict and to ask questions you may have never thought of. Because the 11 questions above are just the beginning!